Lindsay Guard

So this is my obligatory “New Year” blog post

I’ve actually been thinking about this coming year and what I want to resolve to make different for a few weeks now. Perhaps part of that is because one of my resolutions was to stop procrastinating. Last night at church, Pastor Mark informed us that statistics have shown that the resolutions that are least likely to stick are ones where someone has resolved to stop something. Then, my husband wrote a great little diddy about his one word resolution and I decided that I liked that idea so I’ve come up with a word that encompasses all of my New Year’s Resolutions:

Discipline.

I’ve kind of always been lazy. My whole life. Not like, sit on the couch drinking beer and being a slob kind of lazy, but just not a high-energy person. I’m not a full-fledged Type A personality, I’m not a planner, I’m not organized, I’m rarely early when arriving somewhere, and I’m almost always last minute with things. I don’t know why I’m this way, and I think as I’ve gotten older my attitude has changed towards these things but my habits haven’t. This has left me, at times, completely frustrated with myself because I want to be these things, but 28 years of life is hard to break. I’ve also become way more negative than I’ve ever been in my life. I used to be pretty carefree and although I’ve always been insecure, I’ve been content. Maybe it’s life’s adversity and reality that has corroded my heart, but I’m just plain old pessimistic. I compare my life with others waaaaaaaay too much and feel like I should care about all the same life-suffocating rubbish that this world cares about. See…how negative did that sound?!?! Geez!

This is where my one word resolution comes in. Discipline: “activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training”.

Colossians 2:5 states, “⁵ For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is. “

So this year, I’m going to be disciplining myself in multiple facets of my life.  No more making excuses, no more being too tired to read, or write, or clean. I don’t know exactly what this will look like since each area of life will look different. Perhaps it will be setting a scheduled time every day to read and study. Maybe it will be making a list of home improvement projects that need to be done and putting them on a calendar, then prioritizing that time to get stuff done! Most likely, it will be making a conscience effort, along with accountability from my husband to CHOOSE to accomplish the things that I need or want to do. It’s going to be about training myself and correcting past behavior that has inhibited me from fully living purposefully.

I’m excited about this coming year. I in no way am expecting this resolution to make my life perfect or help me “have it all together”. Believe me, I am fully aware of things coming our way this year that will consume me, and bring me to my knees in humility. I’m also aware that discipline comes through times of calm and times of chaos, and more importantly, is necessary during both times of life. But, part of this new season of discipline is going to be CHOOSING JOY.

So, expect a more disciplined, carefree, JOYFUL me in this coming year!

So, I’ve seen this on a few other gals’ blogs and decided that it would be a great way to document this pregnancy and keep every one back home updated on how things are going! Here goes:

How far along: 21 weeks
Total weight gain: actually not sure, I just know it’s on track
Maternity clothes: oh yeah! I don’t have any pants yet but I need them, I live in leggings!
Stretch marks: Nope, hoping genetics keep those far away
Sleep: Not great. Haven’t slept well for weeks, I want to lay on my belly but that’s out of the picture now
Best moment of this week: This morning’s ultrasound which confirmed that what I’m feeling is actually the baby
Miss anything: red wine
Movement: Yes, finally! Took awhile because apparently the placenta is in the way of this babe but now I’m feeling regular taps once I’m resting and a feeling like a fish is swishing around every now and then. I even saw my belly button moving with the taps two nights ago!
Food cravings: anything spicy, oranges, and chocolate milk
Anything making you queasy or sick: not anymore, weeks 5-13 would have said, “everything”
Have you started to show yet: Yup, finally looking obviously pregnant and not just like I’m storing Thanksgiving leftovers
Gender: We’re waiting until baby is born, but we both have our suspicions
Baby’s Measurements: Heart rate is high 150′s, measuring about a week ahead, 1lb 1oz, 93rd percentile…chubbawubba!
Labor signs: dear Lord, I hope not! Feeling some Braxton Hicks contractions though, but thankfully nothing serious
Belly button in or out: Staring to come out…kinda surprised it’s doing it this early!
Wedding rings on or off: On
Happy or moody most of the time: This week? Happy, but I’ve not been the nicest preggo (sorry babe!)
Looking forward to: Ryan feeling the baby kick from the outside, it stops every time he gets to me to put his hand on my belly!

So, there ya have it, I can’t believe we’re half way done with this pregnancy! Thank you, Lord, for graciously giving us this gift.

I always thought I’d have all girls. I never pictured myself the mom of boys…that was going to be my sister’s thing. Then came Griffin. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being the mama to this little boy. Today, I got really excited at the thought that this babe growing in my belly could be a boy too! I think it would be awesome for Griffin to have a brother and to be the mom of boys. It’s a good thing that my maternal instincts are saying boy…that would just be super! (a girl would be ridiculously fun too…don’t worry baby, just in case you read this down the road, I will be thrilled if you are a little lady!)

That is all.

P.S. Griffin turns 1 in a week!!! Even though he’ll be a big brother soon, he’ll always be my baby.

This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.

1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress. Our adoption of Griffin does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that sounds encouraging and hopeful.

2) Even though I have Griffin in my arms, I am still grieving. He was not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief. It helps though Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than most of their friends in many ways.

Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?

I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and that I didn’t give birth to my own son.

I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike most mothers I know.

I’m jealous.

I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for Griffin is lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and Griffin will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me about being God’s child.

I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God grafted our family together perfectly, that Griffin being my son is no accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could have schemed up.

I love Griffin with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of this journey worth it.

All for the glory of my God.

Services at Mission were pretty remarkable today. We are taking a few weekends this month to highlight the things that Mission is about: Doing Justice. Loving Mercy. Walking Humbly. Today was Justice Sunday and we had the honor to hear from a rescued girl from our Fiji Homes of Hope and also Chief Theresa from the village in Malawi we partner with. They each shared their personal experiences and how the sacrifice of the people in our congregation have blessed them and their communities. What’s amazing is how much of a blessing they are to us. Hearing their stories and how the people in their villages live in their daily lives, I’m challenged to really take a look at my life and the responsibility I have to react. Chief Theresa explained to us that her people “live on less than a dollar a day. Americans should count themselves blessed to have been born in the United States and we shouldn’t take that for granted. The children in Malawi would rejoice over getting an empty plastic bottle…something I throw out every day”. She told us that we are “blessed to be a blessing”.

I can’t even comprehend what it must be like to grow up in Africa, with literally nothing or to be a young girl in Fiji, exploited and devalued. My perspective was shaken today as I process through my own pain and suffering. My suffering is very different from my brothers and sisters overseas. Not that my pain doesn’t matter, but my response to my circumstances should be that of Chief Theresa and the Malawi children. Praise! I have been learning this over the past few months but today it really affirmed the work God is doing in my heart. God is faithful and provides exactly what I need with Himself. He is ALL I need and He cares for me.

It’s easy to give God praise and thanks and count myself blessed when things are going well or working out how I want them to. It’s much more of a spiritually refining time when I can be in the midst of turmoil and still count myself just as blessed. It isn’t what God gives me or does for me that makes me blessed, it’s who He is and how He loves me. I pray that I never forget this valuable lesson. I pray I don’t set my heart on things to make me full, but that I set my eyes on Jesus. I don’t want the “easy life”. I’m not interested in ordinary and predictable. I want to be in God’s will and nowhere else.

I love Sundays like the one today. Ryan has been asked to speak about once a month in main service at our church, Mission. I, of course, have heard Ryan speak countless times but I never get tired of hearing what God has put on his heart each week. Recently, I have been sitting in all 5 services when he speaks main stage and I just absolutely love it! I love being by his side, I love that people see me by his side as his companion, and I love that the worship draws me closer to God with each service. You’d think it would sadly get a little monotonous. I mean, 5 services of the same songs and same message?!?! There is just something about being in the midst of community where I feel safe, loved, and valued and worshiping together that can fill my spirit. I must admit, we were both wiped when we got home but we’ve had a fun night of packing for our trip to Ohio tomorrow! I can’t wait to see my family and start this Christmas week. I need the rest, I need my family, I must must must have some cuddles from my nephew, and I can’t forget all the home-cooked meals! To be honest, I’m so ready for 2009 to be over but I’m hoping these last few weeks are filled with reflection on what God has done in our lives, where He has brought us, and where He will take us in the coming year!

What are you looking forward to most this Christmas week? What will you reflect on from this past year and what are your hopes for 2010?

Where we'll be spending Christmas

So tonight when we got home from dinner after church there was a police car outside our house. My first conclusion was that they were back at our neighbor’s house who had previously been investigated for fraud when we first moved in. The police were actually there for us and proceeded to tell us that someone had called because our dogs were barking. My heart immediately sunk because we have always prided ourselves on having a dog that doesn’t bark (Bella). I was pretty frustrated that someone would call the cops without coming to us first…or at least leaving a note about the dogs. I also had a hard time believing that our dogs could make that much noise for such a long time that it would result in someone calling the cops. My second conclusion was me pointing my finger at the previously mentioned neighbor and guessing he was the perpetrator who made the call. I pouted for a while and even “Twitter vented”, as Ryan likes to call it.

About 20 minutes later, Ryan walks in from running to get more dog food and tells me that he got pulled over. Great! Just what I needed to hear! Turns out it was the same cop who came to tell us about our dogs. For some reason, he decided to tell Ryan that it WAS the neighbor I had suspected BUT he didn’t call to complain, he actually called and told the police that we’ve lived here for about 6 months and he has never heard our dogs so when he did hear them, he got concerned and came over to our house. No one answered, so out of concern he decided to call the police.

Wow…do I feel completely dumb. Here I am “frustrated” with my neighbor who I so arrogantly accused of one thing when, in fact, the whole situation came about because he was concerned for me and my family.

Lesson learned: Stop jumping to worst case scenario conclusions.

Thank you God for continuing to refine me. Thank you for neighbors who care and watch out for each other. Thank you for big grace.